so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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