She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
