i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
