my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
