For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
