Taylor Swift is so right about you.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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