this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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