Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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