I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
