Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
