life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
