My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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