There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
