Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
