Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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