please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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