I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
