i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
