he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
