"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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