All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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