and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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