Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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