when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
