sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
