just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
