Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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