Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
