If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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