I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
