you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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