You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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