Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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