Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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