He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
