I wish my penis had an off switch
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Vodka?
Forever.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
