im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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