just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
