It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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