the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We're hate flirting, damnit.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
