This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
