I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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