i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
