There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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