i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
