Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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