The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Less talking, more tequila
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
