I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
