According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
