Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
