Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we're chasing vodka with high fives
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Who died my cat blue again?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize