Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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