Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize