my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
