I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize