atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize