Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
