i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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