The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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