I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
