We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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